Description

Sonny Sharrock’s “Hit Single”

Space Ghost Sayings
Index 1. Greetings Citizens!
Index 2. I’m Space Ghost, and you’re listening to my favorite radio station.
Index 3. It’s time for yet more words of wisdom from Space Ghost.
Index 4. Alrighty!
Index 5. Yeah, Whatever!
Index 6. Great Galaxies!
Index 7. I’m Space Ghost, and I can open a can of spinach using my butt muscles!

Special Days
Index 1. Your nose is out of your mask. I now know your secret identity… April fool. Heh heh heh…
Index 2. Now it’s May. So what? Who wants to know?
Index 3. Happy Your Mother’s Day. Don’t fall for her tricks, she’s wily!
Index 4. Today is Arbor Day. That’s where English people park their boats. The ‘arbor. Pretty funny, right? Wrong.
Index 5. Today is Ramones Day throughout the universe. Join in the festivities. Have your last name legally changed to Ramone.
Index 6. Today is national Celery Day. Bring on the spreadable cheese!
Index 7. Halloween: Ghost Planet, busy busy busy.
Index 8. Happy Holidays to all earth fanatics who celebrate them. Superheroes don’t get holidays.
Index 9. Happy New Year! Out with the old, in with the new! Send all your old money to Space Ghost to make room for all the new money that will come in this year. Also, if you have any old wine, we’ll take that off your hands, too.
Index 10. Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Shut Up!
Index 11. Okay… Uh-oh, let’s see. It’s Wednesday. Say it like it’s spelled: Wed-nes-day. Well, that’s not as interesting as I though it would be.
Index 12. Today is Thursday. Avoid People.
Index 13. I regret to inform you that today has been cancelled. Stop here and go to tomorrow. Sorry about that.

Space Ghost’s All Purpose Affirmations and Random Thoughts
Index 1. Count how many times people say your name today, write it down and mail it to them.
Index 2. All day, pretend you are an android, and that you crave electricity.

Index 1. Ride a horse to work today. If you don’t have a horse, go to the mounted police station and use one of theirs. Tell them it’s for the environment, as if it’s any of their business. They like that. Wear spurs for effect.
Index 2. Shouldn’t the Psychic Friends be the ones to call you?

Index 1. The key to effective time management is delegation. Lesser tasks should be performed by children, primates and locusts.
Index 2. Listen… can you hear them? Monsters in space, screaming for vengeance! Can you?

Index 1. Molecules sure are small.
Index 2. Construct a model of a big city. Go out and buy some snakeskin boots. Put them on. Crush the city with your boots. You are Snakeman, ruler of the earth!

Index 1. Paint yourself up like a clown. It’s funny!
Index 2. Prove to the world that everything is your business.

Index 1. Excuse for today: Hey, I’m only superhuman! Ha ha ha…
Index 2. On the Ghost Planet (and this is between you and me) putting bread in the toaster and then going to watch TV or walking the cat or something, and forgetting until you smell smoke, is a felony.

Index 1. Try to tie your pinkie to your thumb. Your’re not really trying. Try harder.
Index 2. When speaking, use a strong, choppy monotone voice. Strategically pop certain syllables to add emphasis when needed.

Index 1. Once I saw a hundred fish in a pond, and I said, “Look, there are a hundred fish.”
Index 2. When the going gets tough, simply put on swim fins and flap around the office like a monkey.

Index 1. Pledge your love to your desk calendar. It needs to be told sometimes.
Index 2. Your job today is to find a trombone and unroll it. Unroll it completely until it is just one long brass tube. Hold it across the sidewalk and let busy commuters limbo. Brightens their day.

Index 1. Pots and pans are good for banging.
Index 2. If you want to have fun, then tell people you are Johnny Carson (even if you’re not). See if they give you things or tell you, “I miss you, Johnny!”

Index 1. There’s nothing wrong with today… yet!
Index 2. Go to your neighbor’s house and open everything with a door on it; cabinets, refrigerator, oven, drawers. Then, tell him you were raised in a barn – see what he does about that.

Index 1. What the anti-matter with you? Ha ha ha! You may use that one on your friends today.
Index 2. A wig is an important social statement and is not to be toyed with. Say that, “wig.” Say “wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig.” Is anyone looking at you? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Index 1. Practical joke for today: Squeeze all the toothpaste out of the tube, and replace it with mayonnaise! Now, sit back and watch the fun.
Index 2. Tell your co-workers that you no longer speak English, and if they want to talk to you, they must speak in the language you have chosen.

Index 1. Slap around a rabid weasel, then throw it in your fridge. Invite your buddy over, and tell him to help himself to a soda pop. Say, “It’s in the fridge.”
Index 2. Learn not to laugh at yourself.

Index 1. Carry a life preserver with you, and tell people you’re saving the whales.
Index 2. Ask yourself, “Who am I?” Keep asking until you get the right answer.

Index 1. Go to a restaurant and order a chicken and an egg. See which comes first.
Index 2. Yesterday, I eliminated a creative consultant who said my script ideas were “out there.” He used two bending fingers to indicate quotation marks. He also lived only with cats as companions. What good deeds have you performed today?

Index 1. Spandex is a comfortable fabric. It really lets your skin breathe.
Index 2. A trunk full of cement is worth two in the bucket. I mean, hold it, scratch this.

Index 1. Remember – people like a nice pat on the head in the morning.
Index 2. Force air into your lungs by opening your mouth and jerking your head and shoulders forward.

Index 1. Pour detergent all over your front lawn and wait by the window for rain.
Index 2. Think of a piano. Think of the highest note – ‘ting’! Keep going higher in your mind. How high can you go? Very!

Index 1. Talkative neighbors should be convinced to relocate.
Index 2. Try folding a piece of paper in equal halves more than 7 times. Hint: It’s can’t be done.

Index 1. Start a mail order health club and change your name to Manny.
Index 2. Pretend you’re a carnival barker, and point at everything with a stick when you talk.

Index 1. Superheroes do not love individuals. They love society as a whole.
Index 2. Eat, drink and be Mary Tyler Moore.

Index 1. Hey, I thought today was yesterday, what gives?
Index 2. Do one million jumping jacks. Go!

Index 1. Go to your local video store with a strong magnet and wave it around. Demand to get free movies.
Index 2. Catch phrase… Get one and use it.

Index 1. Spring is in the air. You can feel it bump into you when you walk.
Index 2. Steal something from a thief.

Index 1. Cram a bunch of golf balls into your mouth and tell your boss you have the mumps. If he sends you home, O lucky day!
Index 2. Sing as loud as you can in your head.

Index 1. Do you still think fish can’t speak? I mean, come on, after all this time?
Index 2. Get out of your chair, run outside and reach for the sky. You don’t have to reach really far, because it’s right there. You can bend down and get it so there’s no need to strain yourself.

Index 1. Deny, deny, deny.
Index 2. You can never have too much underwear! Go buy some!

Index 1. Zorak is really in the Kiss Army. That wasn’t an idle threat.
Index 2. When you’re all sweaty, comb your hair down into your eyes and wave your arms like crazy. Don’t look now, you’re a famous conductor!

Index 1. Play a flute and see if any snakes follow you around your office. Not so easy, is it?
Index 2. If an employer ever begins a conversation with, “There’s no easy way to say this,” quickly eliminate him before he finishes the sentence.

Index 1. Clip your fingernails down too close and then weep about it all day. Keep putting your head down on your desk.
Index 2. Allow animals to visit your home, but warn them that you tire easily and often go to bed early.

Index 1. If you’re at work and feel like putting your head on your desk and sleeping, go ahead. If you boss asks you anything, tell him you’re listening for a buffalo stampede and that he should thank you.
Index 2. Watch PBS all evening. Talk about it non-stop at work tomorrow.

Index 1. Stock up on carrots, because one day rabbits may rule the earth, and you’ll have bargaining power.
Index 2. Don’t insist on “just a little respect.” Demand the devotion and worship of all those with whom you come in contact.

Index 1. Useful phrase of the day: You must be thinking of some other invisible superhero.
Index 2. Only stare into the sun if your eyes are cold. But once they warm up, that’s it!

Index 1. If humans used more than 8% of their brains, would squirt cheese still be tasty?
Index 2. Lynda Carter, ex-Wonder Woman is now peddling colored contact lenses. It sounds like destiny is knocking on Space Ghost’s door.

Index 1. Build a model airplane today. Fill it with candy and small prizes, and hang it from a tree limb. Then pretend you are King Kong, smashing it up with your bare hands, and giving the prizes inside to the mortals whom you command.
Index 2. Pretend you’re in jail. Yell at your boss, “Hey, you can bend me, but I won’t break!”

Index 1. Dingo isn’t a very nice name to call anything, even a wild dog who came and snatched your baby right out of your stroller.
Index 2. Convince others that your superpower is best and most useful. Practice the words, “Yeah, but can he become invisible?”

Index 1. Order a raw pizza for dinner, lots of protein.
Index 2. Call three friends and form a band! Play a lot of teenaged parties.

Index 1. You too can make your own powerbands. All you need is some fishing wire, a no. 2 pencil, paste and the life-giving nectar of the man eating Remas plant from the seventh sector of Nefrar.
Index 2. When riding the bus, scream your head off. No one will sit next to you. It really works! Try it!

Index 1. Believe everything you read. It’s all true, or else you wouldn’t be reading it, right? Your time is too valuable.
Index 2. Eliminate as many foes as possible before lunch. The afternoon should be used for follow-up and reflection.

Index 1. Use your ThighMaster at the office. Bring one for everybody.
Index 2. Useful phrases: This conversation never took place, understand? That was 10 years ago. She had all that makeup on. You know how it is, she said she was 26.

Index 1. Wear tons of pancake makeup and pretend you are a mannequin. Don’t blink all day.
Index 2. You know what today is, don’t you? Don’t you remember? Well then, you’ll just have to find out the hard way.

Index 1. Throw a party for your neighbor, and invite everyone you see in the mall.
Index 2. Take it as a compliment when someone says, “I can see right through you.”

Index 1. Today is a good day to drain your neighbor’s pool.
Index 2. Touch not the buttocks of a stranger.

Index 1. Run to the highest hill and shout upon its mighty peak, “I am rich with wisdom!”
Index 2. Flag down a motorist and ask him if he’s happy with “Things.”

Index 1. Two-way exterior pet doors are an open invitation to small evil-doers.
Index 2. If your co-workers are mad at you, attach suction cups to your feet and hang from the ceiling. Tell everyone they can keep the change that falls out of your pockets. It’s a nice gesture.

Index 1. The Ohio State Fair opens today. Go see the big cow carved out of real creamery butter!
Index 2. Don’t you wish they could bottle the smell of Grandma’s house?

Index 1. Let’s call today Monday. I don’t care if it’s Thursday.
Index 2. Walk toward the Parthenon with a jackhammer, and take bets on how far you get.

Index 1. There are many sweeping generalizations that are always true.
Index 2. Don’t turn around. Pretend you’re reading. There’s an element of evil right behind you. (high pitched undulating whir sound) There now, you’re safe. Mail me a check for 30, no 50 dollars.

Index 1. Okay, that’s enough violin and accordion in popular music. That means you, Earth Composers.
Index 2. I will nullify the next human that uses the word “empower.”

Index 1. Make fun of a friend with a split level home. Keep saying, “Wow, it’s so Brady!”
Index 2. Write down everything you say today, diagram it and look up each word. See how much you say tomorrow.

Index 1. Your day will come soon. Today is not it.
Index 2. First steal an orange traffic cone. Then tuck your pants into your socks and put on a beret. Yell into the cone, “Action!” You’re a Hollywood Director.

Index 1. What if your hands were spoons? So what? Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Index 2. Read the comic strips aloud to your friends. Make up funny voices for the funny characters.

Index 1. Hold your breath until tomorrow. No, don’t really. I was lying.
Index 2. Spend countless hours in your room drawing up blueprints for a spaceship that will never exist.

Index 1. The word “Moltar” always make me hungry for hot, fresh, out-of-the-oven chocolate cookies! I don’t know why.
Index 2. If you see a scorpion today, take precautionary measures: Do not taunt it, walk around it on your tip-toes, and lift those knees.

Index 1. When you’re in your new apartment, pretend you’re trapped in a submarine. Bang on the walls and yell “we’re running out of air, we’re running out of air!”
Index 2. Jump at the chance to have an action figure fashioned after yourself.

Index 1. Today is somebody’s birthday! Open the phone book and call every number until you find that special birthday person.
Index 2. If you have to ask whether or not you offended someone, you probably did. Apologizing only confirms it.

Index 1. You don’t need those clothes or that house, or that job! Take a stand! Down with tyranny!
Index 2. Did you leave the iron on? You can never be too careful. Drop what you are doing and run home like a school kid and check that iron.

Index 1. Lie to your plants.
Index 2. Call in sick today, just for fun, then go out for drinks and lunch near your office. Count all the people you know.

Index 1. Carry suspiciously large amounts of cash.
Index 2. Picnics are a little overrated, don’t you think? All that wind, and don’t your legs fall asleep frequently?

Index 1. If you got a third eye tattooed on your forehead, people would be much more reluctant to mess with you. I say, go for it.
Index 2. Walk your dog – to Detroit.

Index 1. I command you to achieve a great deal of success within three months. I will check to see that you have carried out my directive.
Index 2. Just because you’re a superhero, it doesn’t mean you don’t feel pain. Like when you trim your fingernails down too close, it hurts at least twice as much as it would hurt a mortal.

Index 1. Early to bed and early to rise, drive through the drive-thru and get me some fries.
Index 2. Call that guitar guy from Saturday Night Live and ask him, “What’s so damn funny?”

Index 1. On this date in 1974, the Ghost Planet switched over to metric. Four hours later, we switched back.
Index 2. Paint your desk yellow and pretend you’re driving a school bus. Look over your shoulder at people and yell at them.

Index 1. Walk or fly in place. Let the background do the work by providing the apparent motion for you.
Index 2. Acknowledge your inefficiencies. I would if I had any.

Index 1. Mistrust all young adults who say they know someone who used to party with Space Ghost.
Index 2. Intergalactic travel is a privilege – not a right.

Index 1. Call a law office and demand to speak to an attorney, any attorney.
Index 2. The last thing I would ever want to do would be to put myself in someone else’s shoes – for hygiene reasons mostly.

Index 1. The undulating, high pitched whir is my favorite sound effect. It is used when I employ my heat ray. What is your favorite sound effect?
Index 2. Practice opening soda cans with your mind. Once perfected, do it to a whole vending machine and see how funny that is.

Index 1. When attending trade shows and conventions, you should appear, blend in, shake hands and go. Don’t collect too many samples.
Index 2. Spend all your money today.

Index 1. Today is the first day of the beginning of your new thing that is still kind of new and is not quite underway but is almost there at the beginning.
Index 2. Does the muffin man have muscles?

Index 1. Whenever possible, demand renumeration for your super deeds. Specify U.S. dollars.
Index 2. Shave a wildebeest for fun.

Index 1. I feel you may be taking me for granted. I’ll not be sharing any wisdom or wit with you today.
Index 2. Learn to say, “I’m onto you” in sign language.

Index 1. Wear sunglasses in church.
Index 2. You are 3-D Man today, run towards people.

Index 1. Go to a movie that you’ve memorized, and recite all the lines in unison with the actors. Then see how long it takes for you to get thrown out.
Index 2. On the Ghost Planet, the word Rocktober means “Please kill me.” Don’t ever say it.

Index 1. Kick in a neighbor’s door and go exploring. Discover uncharted rooms and big screen TVs that would look great in your living room.
Index 2. There’s no time like the present. What present? I don’t see any presents.

Index 1. Don’t talk to anyone today – sing to them! Sing everything that comes out of your mouth.
Index 2. Good pick-up line: You look like a being who wants more from Space Ghost than a swat on the fanny and an autographed photo.

Index 1. I can’t believe that thing you did yesterday. That was really bad. You probably don’t even remember. But everyone knows it was you.
Index 2. Always assume your living room is bugged.

Index 1. Replace your cat or dog with a lobster.
Index 2. Have you reached that high degree of success yet? If not, I will grant you 30 more days.

Index 1. Wear a cape. Just once. Wear one.
Index 2. Don’t you miss the 8-track tape?

Index 1. Um – excuse me. Your true identity is showing.
Index 2. Yoo-hoo, Hard Copy. Over here. It’s me, Space Ghost! Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo, Hard Copy. Woo!

Index 1. Tell everyone you lost a hundred dollar bill, then go about your business and forget about it.
Index 2. Wear a surgical mask when grocery shopping.

Index 1. Remember – you are the flowers. Sidekicks and villains are the vase.
Index 2. Have a happy home. Carve your shrubs into carnival clowns.

Index 1. For fun: wander the streets with a lawn sprinkler and bless fire-hydrants.
Index 2. Guess what? You’ll never be President of the United States. Get used to it.

Index 1. Image is not everything – gravity is. Image is number two.
Index 2. Mozart composed his first opera by the age of four. How’s yours coming?

Index 1. Don’t walk anywhere you can crawl to.
Index 2. Ride your mower to work today, wear a helmet.

Index 1. Never run as fast as you can for over three hours.
Index 2. If you must have a sidekick, make sure he brings out the best in you – not vice versa.

Index 1. Make guests comfortable. Engage them with open-ended questions. Dismiss them politely when you are finished with them.
Index 2. Devote your life to collecting trampolines.

Index 1. Share bad ideas with your boss. Share good ideas with his or her boss.
Index 2. Yoo-hoo, Nike! It’s Space Ghost! I may still be available to you.

Index 1. “Not now dear, I’m flossing.”
Index 2. I will refuse my superhero services to anyone who routinely uses the term, “been there, done that.”

Index 1. Do not be overly charmed by those with English or Australian accents.